Growing up, the most over-used sentence that I probably heard was this: “Love is complicated.”. People threw that sentence around when they had no more advice to give to the other party – most likely friends or family members who were weeping and nursing a broken heart due to a breakup or a divorce. It is almost like a sigh of desperation and exasperation that gives a negative connotation to the word “love”. Over time, the concept of “love is complicated” is ingrained in my psyche and it’s all tied up in a knot.
Then, enter marriage.
I love my husband to bits but he’s from Mars whereas I am from Venus so there is this huge chasm between us and it takes a lot of hard work to bridge the gap, especially in the early years of our marriage. I chuckled when I read a line in the book where the wife was annoyed with the husband for leaving “a pool of kain pelikat on the floor” because it was so true! No one had ever been honest enough to mention that though. That brutal honesty gripped me and I finished the book in a day.
So here are the five takeaway messages that I got from “Sekufu”:
Table of Contents
1. The Importance of Assertiveness
Sekufu helps me realize that most of the problems in a marriage are mainly due to communication or lack thereof. Simple issues blow out of proportion because we just don’t know how to voice out our feelings or opinions in an assertive way. We resort to passivity, aggression and more often than not, passive-aggressive behaviours in dealing with the issues. We are too afraid to face our demons so we hide behind these three “blankets”. Now I realize that expressing my feelings more assertively will save me a lot of trouble and resolve the issues more easily.
2. If One Wins, One Loses….Both of You Have Lost
It is so true! The authors say it best in such a simple sentence. In a marriage, we tend to try to “win” because we want to prove that we are right and our partner is wrong. We forget that marriage is teamwork, not a competition where we keep score. I am guilty of that as well, much to my chagrin. Now I realize that in a marriage, there is no winner or loser. You are teammates, come rain or shine. You don’t jump into the water with the intention to drown your teammate but you swim together. Only then, you both will reach the shore.
3. Passive-Aggressive Behaviors Will Get You Nowhere
In the internet age, passive-aggressive behaviours have become more commonplace. We see various postings on different social media platforms bashing people up and criticizing each other including spouses who decide to let the world know that the are troubles in paradise. It feels like an easy way out than confronting the issues at hand. It is good to let out steam when you feel like there is nothing else you can do except for posting about it when your spouse gets you mad or upset but in the end, that passive-aggressive behaviour will not get you anywhere.
The issue will not get solved, both of you are hurt and now you have one more problem – answering calls and replying messages from family and friends who are now privy to the trouble in paradise. You and your spouse will eventually reconcile (like you always do, most of the time, anyway) but those family and friends? They won’t forget that little incident and forever will have a certain perception of you and your spouse.
4.The Five Languages of Love are the Fertilizers to Make Your Marriage Bloom
Oftentimes, stagnancy in your marriage happens because you don’t know how to nurture your marriage. When you are married for long, the need to show love and appreciation towards each other just dissipates because you have grown too comfortable with each other. To get out of this lull, you need to master the five languages of love. They are the answer that you are looking for to make your spouse feel appreciated. To be quite honest, I have just figured out my husband’s language of love after 8 years of marriage! (thank you, authors!).
I always got him presents that he never seemed to quite appreciate (ahem!) and it made me upset. After reading the book, I realized that he is not the present-giving type. He just wants to spend quality time with me watching our favourite TV shows together which costs almost nothing on my part. I wish the book was published earlier (preferably 8 years ago!) because it could have saved me from a lot of heartaches and helped me save tons of money.
5. Make Peace With the Five Phases of Marriage…
….because they are so true! Why didn’t anyone tell me that in my early years of marriage?!! Understanding these phases will help you be better prepared for what’s coming next. I think most of us are guilty of expecting that fairy-tale marriage where the prince and princess will go together into the sunset in a horse-ridden carriage after facing obstacles and going through thorny paths. Little did we know that those obstacles and thorny paths mean nothing in comparison to what awaits after the marriage. We pretty much sail through the “Romantic Phase” wishing it would never end but the “Power Struggle Phase”? Only strong couples can overcome this because the weak ones will fall and crumble here and end up in a divorce.
What I really like about this book is that it gives tips to deal with the “Power Struggle Phase” which I think most couples really need. To be honest, knowledge about marriage isn’t handed down to us by our parents or even our ancestors – every couple kind of has to figure it out on their own. However, the “Power Struggle Phase” is challenging without any manual to guide us. But now I know that this phase can be overcome easily with the use of assertive communication and adopting Gottman Method of Marriage Counselling which consists of Constructive Conflict, Friendship/ Intimacy Positive Affect and Shared Meaning.
On the final note, the book “Sekufu” helps me untie all the knots that I had regarding marriage. It is a really useful manual guide for married couples – newlyweds and long-married alike.
And now when people tell me that “love is complicated”, I tell them to go read “Sekufu”.
Love is not complicated. It never has been. And it never should be.
This Article Submitted by:
Nur Akmal binti Abdul Ghafar
